That is the question I ask myself almost daily.
When we accepted Kalia’s referral we knew there was a risk of learning disabilities & developmental delays. We had no idea whether these delays could be overcome or if she would always have problems….and to what extent. It was a definite leap of faith, but I felt God pushing us to accept her referral, even with all the unknowns. We struggled with whether to accept or not. Every time we thought we’d have to turn her away, we’d come across something that changed our mind. Night after night I prayed for a clear cut sign to know how we should proceed. Every time I’d come across information that was too much for us and we decided we’d have to turn down the referral, new information would just “miraculously appear” to make us rethink our decision. We finally realized this was our “sign”. I never felt more at peace than when we finally decided to accept. I just knew this was the path we were supposed to be on.
Which is why I struggled so hard when we got her home & reality hit…HARD!
Kalia has significant delays. Currently she is almost 42 months old and is testing at between 18 & 30 months (18 months for speech, 30 months cognitive…physical & emotional are in between).
When she was first home I babied her…A LOT! I mean, come on….she was without a mommy & daddy for almost 2 years…she deserved some extra babying. I did things for her that maybe I should have let her do herself. At times I felt like I pushed her too hard (expected too much) and at other times I felt like I didn’t push her enough (babied her more than I should have). Oh, the mommy guilt!
We didn’t get her tested through Early Intervention until she was 2 (home 4 months), and she didn’t begin any therapies until 26 months. She didn’t walk until 22 months, and still doesn’t talk. She’s now been in therapy for 16 months. At times I see improvements…and at time I wonder if we’re getting anywhere.
It’s taken me many months to accept Kalia’s delays. To push past the fact that she’s 3 and should be acting like a 3 year old. To accept her as the 18-30 month old that she is and not worry that she’s not “normal”. Some days I’m still working on it…
I wondered many times why God would bring us all together. Her delays are quite extensive and there’s really no promise that all will be better in the future. There’s just no way for us to know what her future will be like. Why would He bring someone with so many unknowns & such huge delays into our busy life? This was not my dream. This was not what I had in mind when we chose adoption.
Lucky for me God was/is in charge. Because, delays or not, unknown future or not, I couldn’t imagine life without this little girl in it. And I will do ANYTHING I need to to help her get ahead. I continue to pray that we’re doing all we can and for Him to keep us on the right path. I continue to force myself to have faith that, while I don’t know what the future holds for her, He does!
She's very lucky to have a momma who will go to bat for her (and to have all of you). SN adoption isn't for the faint hearted, that is for sure. Not being certain I had anyone else hanging in there with me was a huge reason for pulling my paperwork. I wanted it more than anything, but not without being able to give a child more than just me to count on for certain.
ReplyDeleteAre you signing with her?
Brandi, you are a terrific mother. Please don't EVER second guess yourself. Kalia is so very lucky to have you but as a mother of a sn child I do so understand what you are going through and YES I do believe that WE are also the lucky ones for having these wonderful children in our lives. He will not always reveal what is ahead for us. I too struggle with what all I can do with our little one but as you have said we will move heaven and earth to get what is needed for our children. You and your husband are very special people!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that this is so hard for you. Just know that she has a strong Momma, and being that you are willing to fight for her is half the battle. She would have never had that in China!
ReplyDeleteBrandi, you are an AMAZING mother! Don't you ever second guess that! It is hard to watch your child struggle at something and especially in times where you know that there maybe nothing that you can do about it, but in case you don't already know, you have done and will continue doing everything you possibly can to give Kalia what she needs.
ReplyDeleteAlthough you're an amaziing mom, there might be nothing you can do. Not because there is nothing to be done, but rather because you have a very stubborn little girl who declares to be the boss. I have one of those! They have no control over anything in their life, but they control if they talk, walk, potty, sleep, ect. She might never catch up, but she might just want to decide when she does. She may have decided that she is not ready to give up being the baby yet. She hasn't been able to be a baby until you got her and she kinda likes it. She likes the attention, good or bad, that she gets for acting like a "baby." Like I said, I had one of those and they didn't even have in learning delays :) Head up sister!!!
This is a beautiful and honest post. As an adoptive momma myself, I think your honesty could really encourage other parents. Would you be willing to have this post reposted on "We Are Grafted In" (www.weraregraftedin.com) It is a Christian adoption website/forum. We would just need your permission, a brief biography, and a picture. Feel free to contact me with any questions you may have!
ReplyDeleteSTephanie (smurphy28@juno.com)